This single mom or mommy like my youngest likes to call me, is happy that October 2019 has passed, because since my “becoming single”, this was probably as hard as October 2018 when my life was shaken to it’s core. It was on another level of being hard. But like then I had the feeling that I would never experience joy again. That my life was over.
October 2019 was especially hard because:
- It had been a year since finding out what my husband had done to us.
- We had to move out of our family home of 13 years. I had to sort through all of our belongings, mostly by myself and try to minimize the stuff of a family of six into a family of three now. Finding wedding pictures, love letters, drawings of hearts from my step-daughter. It was incredibly painful and many tears were cried.
- Moving to a new town leaving the town I loved behind.
- Divorce. Our divorce was finalized at the end of October. I did not want this. I wanted to be a wife and mother. I promised to love him through sickness and health. I had forgiven him many things already, one of them unfaithfulness. But raping my child was the “unforgivable” reason that made me go for the divorce. I wish I could say that I have enough self-respect to say that because he raped me that too was a reason for divorce, but had it been only me, well I’m not sure what I would have done. Somehow I feel like I was lucky to have been loved and that it will never happen again.
Depression is a terrible liar. And the worst thing about it: It’s a terribly convincing one.
While the whole world said it would get better, I only believed what my depression told me: that everything was game over. Nothing will ever be ok again. That I will never ever have a goods night’s sleep again, but that I will eternally be tormented by the scenes going through my head of what was done to me and to my daughter. I would never be happy again. Every day from morning until evening, I would remain in a constant state of panic and fear. That I had changed forever, and would never get myself back.
To make matters worse, my neurologist had put me on these meds that can give some people severe depression and even suicidal thoughts…
What a month October has been.
But luckily I am now off those meds now and have started new ones and it really feels like I am emerging out of a cave.
It feels like that all I could see before was grey, but now the beautiful vibrant colors have come back to my life.
At this moment, now that we have hit the one year mark and now that October has come and gone, I can carefully say that I’m starting to recognize myself again. Something that I didn’t think was possible.
My great help during these trying times was for sure THERAPY!!! My goodness, if you are hesitating, don’t. If you had a bad connection or experience with a therapist, try another. That’s what I did and my wonderful therapist has given me tools to work with and to help me fight with through this mess.
Patient family and friends. Depression makes you want to be alone when you don’t want to be alone. That sentence will only make sense if you have been through it yourself. I am lucky to have a few persistent friends forcing themselves into my life.
Prayer. I often did not feel like praying, but I knew others were. I’ve wrestled with God, I’ve been mad, disappointed and sad. I even went through the whole of Psalms lamenting together with David.
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest. Yet you are holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
May I be mad at God?
If I believe that the attributes of God are good, holy, just, faithful, and loving, they are not attributes that justify anger. Maybe I should focus more on those attributes of God?
Regardless of whether it is right that I am angry with God, the Bible clearly shows me that:
- I am not the only one who is angry with God and struggling with why-questions. We can already find various examples of this in the Bible.
- That I may express my anger and my why questions to God, just as Job, David, and Jesus did.
- That God notices my anger, hears me and does not leave me alone.
What do I do with my anger?
I acknowledge my anger. I don’t understand God and that’s what makes me angry, right? If I understood everything of this world and people and just everything, then I would be like God.
That’s why it’s ok for me (and you) to tell God that I am angry with Him. He invented and made me and HE alone knows how I am. I know that I can go to God with my anger and ask him to help and forgive me and help me to forgive others. Every time again. Eventually, my anger will disappear and give way to trust. Trust in God. And then the trust will rise above my anger.
And what now?
Even though I can feel happiness and true joy again, at the same time I’m always reminded of the darkness I was in not so long ago.
I will always be scared of that feeling coming back.
But I know that God can take it. I will forever turn my hope, my eyes and my heart to Him, even when feeling angry and in despair. Because that is what I choose to do. He is my refuge. You may not agree with me. You might not understand, but I wish and pray that you could.
This single mama is loved. So are you. Remember that.