After recently finding out about things that I was afraid of. Things that have happened in the past but have now been revealed to me, worse than I had ever imagined…I ended up going through a very rough patch again. I was just starting to recover from the first big blow a few months ago. My heart was broken, it was hurting, I could not stop the tears from rolling down my eyes, seeing images of things that had happened to us unknowingly. How could this all happen? Why was I chosen to carry so many burdens during my life? How could there ever be a way out of this despicable situation? I can’t see it; I am barely keeping my head above the water.
But yesterday, my dear friend came to pay a visit. She lives far away in Romania and she comes over to Belgium often to visit her grandmother who lives here, and now she is here for me, because I needed her. She is a Christian friend; I don’t have many of those here in Belgium. I have Christian people in my life who care and who I see regularly, but for me a friend is someone who that wherever they are, is it another town, another state another country, it will always feel like they are nearby. This friend prays for and with me, she gives me godly counsel and she encourages me. She helps me remember that God has everything under control and that it WILL be okay, even if it doesn’t seem like it now. She is full of encouraging thoughts, she genuinely cares, and she a has wealth of scripture knowledge that somehow really do make me feel better. Sometimes she will do this in person, sometimes by text, but she never fails to be that trusted friend.
A few days before she arrived, I was listening to my Spotify on my way to church last Sunday. You know that list on Spotify that compiles songs based and what you have listened to in the past? Well, there was this song that was really speaking to me, even though I could not really make out the words. I marked it, added it to my favorites and listened to it a frequently in the following days.
So, when my friend left, I needed to bike somewhere, I plugged in my earphones and looked for that song straight away. It’s called “Maker” by Woodland worships. I started to really listen to the lyrics this time and it the refrain was speaking out to me so clearly “You will make away…you are the maker of my heart and you will make a way…when I can’t see a way out, you will make a way”
“Oh Lord, please do that for me, because right now, I cannot see a way out” …my heart cried out to God.
I want to be more like David who too called out to the Lord when he was in desperate state. He prayed, “Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice!”(Ps. 27:7). Then David testified expectantly, “Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart” (v.14). He knew that God would make a way.
I’m finding it hard to do so, but I am so willing for I know that our God is a strong, loving God and so in the evenings I am in an intercessory state of prayer, with this song on the background, moving my heart.
As a child, my father gave me a little Gideons bible. I used to treasure it. Bringing it with me to church each Sunday, even before that I could read. Then as a teen, I would start taking notes, circling verses, just like my dad would. But when I became a young adult, many things had happened, that made me question God so I decided to put the blame on Him for things that had happened to me and I decided to live a life far from Him.
Yet, I still had that Gideon’s bible, it was very weathered by then. I would still flip through its tiny little silken pages and would search in the front part for a topic that I was going through at that moment. Faith, forgiveness, endurance…hoping to find answers, but my heart wasn’t willing to understand then. Life, earthly life, partying, drinking, dating…all seemed more interesting and more satisfying. but it wasn’t, because then I would not have had the need to turn to that tiny little book the day after.
Then one day, with the bible on my lap, I surrendered to God, my heart finally understood. I am still going through hardships, but I go through them now without self-pity, but rather with hope and understanding that God is still by my side, no matter what.
It’s funny that over time that I forgot about my tiny Gideon Bible. I still have it, somewhere tucked away safe, because it is falling apart. But now I have a multitude of bibles even on a phone that I use daily.
But a while back my father gave me a stack of new ones that I have distributed over the years and I still had one left. One just like mine, with a dark brown leather cover (apparently they would distribute those in jails). Golden letters and the Canadian flag on the inside. It was sitting on the bookshelf, and my youngest son who is 5 has run past that bookshelf a thousand times, but today it had caught his eye. He picked it up, flipped through the pages and I told him about my little bible.
Just like I am sharing with you. He decided that this one will be his and will mark it with his name that he loves to write. He is about the age that I was then when my relationship with my bible started. I pray that that bible might bless him as it has blessed me and that He will search for life answers there, instead of somewhere else.
Do you remember your first Bible? I would love to hear about it.
It has been three weeks since my husband needed to leave our home. It’s been three weeks that I have been trying to figure out how to face the uncertain future.
Yesterday was hard, really hard. The first week after he had left, I spent most of my days crying and praying. Then the crying became less and being mad replaced it, then sad again, then mad. You can maybe imagine the feeling of the rollercoaster emotions going up and down. But yesterday was just darn right hard. I felt sadness, anger, hurt, afraid, irritated. Almost every negative feeling you van have.
I am usually a very calm and a patient mom. I don’t like to yell, I like to take the time to explain to my very active pre-schooler why he needs to this or why he cannot do that. I like to read books written by L.R. Knost and I am in Facebook groups labeled “crunchy christian moms”. I like to call my parenting style “Gentle Christian Parenting”, but yesterday…I was failing. I was missing grace. I yelled, I let my son watch way too much tv, I let him way too much junk and I spent most of the day on my computer. I was trying to avoid my thoughts. Wallowing in self pity.
My thoughts would take me to places where I did not want to be. It put guilt in my mind, even thought it should not be there in these circumstances. It put the belief that no one cared for me, even though I had an army of friends already helping me. It put the feeling of being unloved, what could not be true seeing that we have a God that loves us unconditionally.
All those thoughts went through my head yesterday, and then some. I very much felt like I was being attacked.
But before going to bed, I spent some time reading my devotionals. I am going through Psalms (I really like the First 5 app). And Boy, that is an up and down emotional rollercoaster there. Poor David. I feel like I can relate to how he is feeling sometimes (without being attacked by a mob and all). I was reading yesterday’s devotion on Psalms 61-62 I read:
“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him” (Psalm 62:5)
It is so hard to trust in God, certainly when the pain seems too much to bare, but all I have is indeed hope. Continuously reading the bible, even when I don’t feel like it brings me hope, it brings me nearer to the one who truly loves me and I need to remember that more. So instead of trying to hide from everything, I need to go to Him, and that is I will try to do today.
Lord, please give me grace today. Bring peace to my heart. I need you so. Amen.