Several times in my life, I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that someone I dearly love is abusive. They are not always criminals like my ex-husband, but abusive none the less.
Their words are cruel. Their smiles were disingenuous. They lie. They insinuate. They gossip.
Psychological or emotional abuse may seem like no big deal, but it’s absolutely insidious. Someone you love and trust mounts an intentional strategy campaign to make you feel stupid, crazy, or worthless. Understand: they can destroy your friendships or even drive you suicidal. And don’t even get me started on the threat they pose your children. You want your kids to be healthy and happy with firm faith in God? Psychological abusers will try to destroy that.
My in-laws…I have previously written a post about saying goodbye. This was weeks after discovering what my husband had done. I had hoped for their help and support, but I knew that would not happen because I knew how they were during our marriage. What happened, happened over a period of years. This was planned. This was a strategy to sew discord.
After I don’t know how many ridiculous situations where I have been avoided, where I heard mean gossip from them, getting angry looks, I finally acknowledged that my loved ones were abusive.
Is it in my mind?
I was wondering what could possibly be their motivation? Maybe It’s all in my head. But the pattern of abuse became undeniable. Upon confronting these people (only one responded by the way), wanting to be able to talk about how the situation felt for me, them ignoring me, cutting me and my children out of their lives, telling lies to others. They refused to talk about the situation. I somehow was an evil genius who somehow instigated my husband (and physical abuser) actions to frame him. They gossiped and lied. The mask fell off. The smiles turned to spitting rage. It was ugly.
Before I confronted them though, the emotional influence they had over me was terrible. Just seeing their name pop up in my emails caused a wave of nauseous. I had nightmares about them calling me on the phone, seeing them in school or at the supermarket, insulting my kids, or spreading lies about me. I realized that for the sake of my mental health – and for the sake of my children, and my emotional stability – I needed these people out of my life. But they hadn’t committed any crimes!
There was no one event I could point to and say, “They’re dangerous.” But like I said, the patterns of abuse were undeniable. They stretched back for decades and demonstrated a clear malevolence and conscious intent to harm and destroy. And now, these behaviors were affecting my kids, my sleep and my ability to heal from the spousal abuse and divorce. That’s when Psalm 1 came to my rescue:
Blessed is the one
who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
or sit in the company of mockers,
but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
and who meditates on His law day and night.
I am not called to enable wicked, abusive people. I am not called to tolerate the damaging sins of the unrepentant. I am not called to socialize with people who mock, lie, and mess with my head or my kid’s heads or even other people’s heads. I am called to cling to God and meditate on Him day and night.
I longed for their love and support, but they denied me this and instead were part of my torment. They made me feel like the criminal instead of the victim. I finally realized that I am so much better off without them. I finally realized what they did too, was abuse.
Now, if someone else were to go and minister to my abuser(s), I’d say, “Thank you! God bless you!” But my abuser is not my mission field. They do not love me. They do not respect me. Nothing I say or do can help them, except to deny them the opportunity to sin against me.
Within weeks – even days – of cutting those people out of my life, everything improved. My depression lifted partially, my anxiety eased up, my prayer life blossomed, my Bible reading was more fruitful, and I really feel I became a better mom, friend, and worshipper of God.
The moral of the story being, if someone in your life is spiritually poisoning you – if being around them damages your faith, causes friction in your marriage, exacerbates your depression/anxiety, or makes you feel stupid, crazy, or worthless – break free. Cling to God.
I love Instagram and I love following other moms in particular. One of the tags I follow is actually is #momlife. I love seeing artsy pictures of cute children in cute outfits, I love seeing toys and crafts that I haven’t seen before and I love getting local tips or travel tips to try out with my 6-year-old.
I’m currently inspired & captivated with these 5 Instagram mom bloggers from Antwerp that you must go follow now. Seriously, do it. Now!
My top 5 Antwerp Instagram moms
Name Jessica // Blog: Exploring Life // Instagram: @jessicanobels– Teacher, blogger and an environmentalist with the cutest girls ever. Something about kids and glasses makes my heart melt. Maybe because my son wears them too.
Name: Lynn // Blog: Averechtse // Instagram: @LynnFormesyn – She is not the typical Instagram mom. She mainly uses Instagram to advocate for people with chronic pain (people like me). She is a gifted writer with an honest pen and recently wrote a book. Truly inspiring woman.
Name: Lies // Blog: Liesellove // Instagram:@Liesellove – She is a #momentrepreneur in the digital world and has a wonderful taste in taking colorful pictures of her super cute family. Also very inspiring when it comes to family travels.
So these were my My top 5 Antwerp Instagram moms!
Who would you like to add to this post? I cannot get enough of these strong power mama’s! Leave them for me in the comments and I’ll be sure to check them out!
I’ve decided to share with you guys a mini list of things that have sparked joy for me in the past month. I know when you hear “Sparks Joy” you are probably thinking of the Netflix series with Marie Kondo, about organizing and minimizing your belongings.
I watched that show just before moving last October and I must say, I found it very helpful when sorting through my stuff. The phrase now always pops in my head when organizing or when even shopping for things. Does it spark joy? Does it give me a thrill?
So I’m going to share monthly with you what has sparked joy in the past month for me. It won’t always be things, but it can be an outing, it can be a craft I did with my son, a new recipe I tried out. It can just be anything.
To refresh my memory while writing this post, I first check my Instagram where I share e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g ….I’m an oversharer I’ve been told. 🙊
So here is a list of things that have sparked some Joy and given me a thrill this past month.
This amazing from Teaja that my sister gave me Christmas. I love it so much that I finished it today. *insert sobbing*
My friends spark a lot of joy, especially for helping me out with my crazy cargo bike situation.
This year we’ve started learning bible verses with the ABC’s bible verses printable found on Pinterest. So with Bible verses and Pinterest spark some joy.
This Otterbox. After having gone through several iPhone cases that have either started to flake (the silicon ones) or just would break I gave into buying the Otterbox. I mean, the cases I bought cost just as much. And it has already passed the test, I drop my phone regularly and it’s been saved up until now by the Otterbox.
RMS Signature Set MOD collection is my favorite item! It’s so compact and natural and vegan (the base is coconut oil). It gives me a bit of natural color without irritating my skin. I did have to look up this tutorial to figure out how to use it best.
So that was it for this month. I could have gone on, so many things to be grateful for, but I wanted to keep this post short and clear.
Have you tried/done any of the things on my list above? Any comments you would like to share? Would love to hear.
After a full day of school, playing in the mud and sand, then kneading (almost) 100% natural slime at home plus baking and eating a carrot cake, my child deserves to end the day with a nice hot bath! All parents know that moment of calm and serenity that follows the bath: a clean little cutie who smells like soap, warm in his pajamas and ready for stories. And what if bath time could also be an opportunity to take care of our children’s health by offering them a gentle detox? Zoom on into my 4 favorite recipes for my child’s detox bath.
These 4 recipes I have come up with myself or found ideas on Pinterest and played with them.
They make falling asleep easier, provide quality sleep and gently cleanse the body of toxins accumulated during the day. What’s more, these recipes cost almost nothing. Why deprive yourself of them?
1 – Detoxifying bath salt with lemon
This detoxifying bath salt recipe is excellent for children with skin problems, irritations, eczema, dryness, etc… It helps to regain well-being when children are very tired from their day. Lemon essential oil is excellent for regaining a good mood and feeling soothed, it promotes a positive atmosphere and an optimistic attitude.
Mix a cup of Epsom salt and a cup of baking soda then add a drop of lemon essential oil. Then place under the faucet. I buy the Epsom salt at Holland & Barret.
Let your children soak for 30 minutes under supervision of course!
2 – Purifying Bentonite clay bath
The bentonite clay boosts general circulation and has been shown to act as a detoxifying agent.
Dissolve one cup of Epsom salt in hot water and add the tea tree essential oil.
Mix the clay with a small amount of water until all the pieces are removed (use a plastic spoon and a glass jar, no metal in contact with the clay!). Add the clay mixture to the saltwater and place it under the water jet.
It is also possible to make a clay paste that you can massage on your child’s body before bathing. Leave to dry for 5 minutes and let your child sit in the water and rinse.
3 – Detox bath with ginger
This bath is especially recommended for sick children! Small blocked noses, congested bronchial tubes, etc. can benefit from these two simple ingredients.
One cup of magnesium flakes and 1 tablespoon of organic ginger powder. Place the mixture under warm running bath water and let your child soak for 20 minutes.
I will be given my little Baba this bath tonight as he has been coughing profusely lately.
4 – Revitalizing bath with apple vinegar
This recipe is particularly suitable for children with skin problems. Apple vinegar helps to rebalance the pH of the skin and treat minor skin problems such as eczema, sunburn, itching, etc. It is a must to have at home but be careful, it is important that it always contains the mother of vinegar. I use the Bragg cider vinegar, but you can use any kind you like as long as it is raw and “with mother”.
Vinegar is also great as a conditioner for shiny and soft hair! If you don’t like the smell, add a drop of EO of real lavender to the mixture. The use of essential oils for children must be well thought out, and especially the oil must be of high quality!
Mix 500 ml of unpasteurized apple vinegar with the bathwater. Soak your child (or yourself!) for 30 minutes and dry thoroughly.
What’s the difference between Magnesium flakes and Epsom salts?
Magnesium flakes contain magnesium chloride and Epsom salts contain magnesium sulfate. Magnesium flakes are purer and actually safer to use on children. They also absorb into your skin much faster than Epsom salts and the effects last longer.
Keep in mind:
When I mention essential oils, I am referring to quality, therapeutic-grade oils. I’m not talking about using diluted and watered down oils.
Try to keep them in the bath for 20 minutes to get all the benefits of the bath.
Lather them up, if you wish, with a natural moisturizer like coconut oil. I add in a few drops of lavender and give my son a light massage as I’m putting on his clothes.
Give your child some water or leave some beside their bed. Detox baths can make you thirsty. We always have a full reusable water bottle next to the bed.
Cuddle on the couch or in bed and read a good book before kissing them goodnight! Magnesium promotes sleep so they should sleep very well! Good for you! 🖤
I hope you’ll enjoy these few recipes and that you little angels will have fun playing splash and help them to sleep well.
Will 2020 finally by the year that I get my driver’s license?
I’m a pretty independent person. I have always been able to get from A to B by bike or public transport. I have visited cities, all by myself or with one of my children simply by relying on anything else but driving a car myself.
Independent person. But yet at 41 years of age, I still haven’t gotten my driver’s license. My daughter who is 25 years old will have hers before I have mine.
Well, it started out with me being a single mom at 18. I lived in the city at that time and had other expenses and worries that took priority.
When I moved to the suburbs I got myself a bike. It became a bit more difficult for me to get around, but still not enough for me to want to get a driver’s license just because I couldn’t really afford the driver’s lessons, let alone a car. Even a used one.
First and last try
Then when I got married, my husband encouraged me to get my driver’s license. one summer we 9he) drove to the South of France and that took us 12 hours and my husband had to pull over an hour away from our destination so he could have a nap. How much easier would it be if I too could drive? I started to feel some guilt about him having to drive all of the time.
So in 2013 when I was pregnant I went to take my theoretical exam and I passed the first time. I could already see myself driving our little one to school and being able to get the groceries myself.
But the plan was for my husband to teach me to drive… That did not work out. My husband was impatient, I was pregnant and hormonal…it was just not a good mix and before you knew it, my learners permit expired. *felt like such a failure*
Fast forward to 2020. I am now, unfortunately, a divorcee, chronically ill and a single mom who lives pretty far from school and the hospital were my doctors are, and after having biked 25 km a day to school and back, (plus having had multiple flat tires for no apparent reason), I am admitting defeat.
I’m studying again. Not so much has changed since 2013 luckily and I remember most things. I will hopefully be able to do the theoretical exam this week.
The next step will then be the driver’s lessons. I will have to take 20 hours of lessons AND THAT’S NOT CHEAP! *praying for the winning lottery ticket*
After the lessons pray some more and try to find an affordable second-hand vehicle and drive on a learner’s permit for 9 months. Then I have to take the practical exam and by the end of 2020 have my driver’s license, if God willing.
Sounds simple enough, eh? But I’m still skeptical. The will is very much there, I long for independence. But nothing seems to come easy to me. I’m sure it won’t be without any (mainly financial) hurdles.
So please tell me I’m not the only 40+ year old without her driver’s license. Can you share with me some positive stories? Prayers are also most welcome, we sure need them. 😅
I just came across this post from the Bored Panda shared on Facebook, 30 minutes after writing this post! We got this!
To you, my child’s teacher, to whom I entrusted my little one a little too early for my taste. You, who every morning when I arrive at the school, have a smile on your face. You confirm to me that I made the right choice. That even though my mother’s heart is heavy to carry when I walk through the door, the most precious thing in my eyes is in good hands.
To you, my child’s teacher, who marks every birthday with sensitivity and celebrates every celebration to the delight of the little ones. Who even goes so far as to push our participation in order to make each experience unforgettable for our babies.
To you, my child’s teacher who simply takes the time. The time to listen to him and me, to prepare with attention the activities of the next day in order to amaze the children, to cook recipes with love and by knowing the preferences of each one. To take the time to comfort one while you must also entertain the other. Taking the time to go outside to play, even if it means dressing them layer after layer or creaming them every ten minutes. At pick-up, take the time to tell each parent about the day in a hurry.
To my child’s teacher, to the one who raises my son, who binds up his scratches when he hurts himself on the playground. I am grateful for all your small attentions and for all your work. To the one who treats my son as if he were her own; thank you for everything.
You are in a profession that demands the best of yourself in order to pass it on to others. A profession that, unfortunately does not get the credit that it deserves. I have spent many hours in your classroom and just keep on being amazed by your abilities and calmness.
And to you, my child’s teacher, my son finds himself in you. I trust your passion, your interest, your skills and your love; thank you for everything.
When your new baby is delivered, you anticipate it being the best day of your life. For me, that event on a cold, December day and was one of the worst days of my life.
My youngest son was born after I went into early labor. I had already been in hospital since week 24 with a placenta previa and inexplicable early contractions. To say I was scared is an understatement. He was going to be born way too soon.
Recently an acquaintance and now friend of mine had her baby delivered six weeks early and was terrified of what she was going through. I told her my story and she found such comfort in hearing the emotional similarities. Though everyone’s singular situation is different, I believe we all take solace in knowing the commonality of the emotional pain, trauma, and uncertainty that we’ve endured.
Way to soon
I was filled with emotions finding that my son was about to be delivered almost three months early. When I first arrived at the hospital at 24 weeks with heaving bleeding I was being prepared for the birth right there, right then. I’d never heard of such a thing. I couldn’t imagine a newborn baby could survive outside the womb four months before he was scheduled to be born, but I soon learned today’s neonatal medicine is amazing. An army of specially skilled doctors, nurses, anesthesiologists and surgeons, saved my son’s life. But not on that day yet.
I did not give birth at the 24th week when first arriving. No, I was kept in hospital, on bed rest for 7 weeks, given a dose of magnesium and a steroid shot to help the baby’s brain and lungs develop. Eventually, the contractions stopped as did the bleeding and I was sent home for further bed rest… However, 6 days later I was sitting in the front seat of my in-law’s car with the window down in mid-December because my mother-in-law was chain-smoking. I couldn’t blame her. I left the hospital almost a week before with the warning to come back in ASAP if I began bleeding, or we both could die. And yes, I started to bleed again. My worried (ex)husband was still at work across the border in the Netherlands, wondering if he should come to the hospital. The hospital was eerily quiet as I waited nervously for the diagnosis. I was told I would get another a dose of magnesium and a steroid shot to help the baby’s brain and lungs develop and that they needed to do an emergency c-section. Overwhelmed, I was terrified of what was about to happen.
My husband arrived, worried something was wrong with so much commotion. I was brought to the operation room and my husband needed to wait in the waiting room while they would prep me as they promised to get him once I was ready.
I remember sitting at the edge of the operating table, waiting for the doctor to give me an epidural. The whole time I was praying and feeling incredibly guilty that my body was not able to care for my baby anymore.
That it could not keep the baby safe and that my baby now had to be brought into this world…way too early. I could not protect him anymore. I had failed.
The first epidural did not work for some reason, at least not as quickly as was needed. They gave me a second one, trying to convince me that the pain I was feeling was not real. When the first incision went into my belly, the pain was indescribable. I screamed and my heart and blood pressure went off the chart and so they had to put me fully under. The anesthesiologist grabbed my throat, told me that they needed to do this and that everything will be ok, she put the oxygen mask on and out I went.
The next thing I remember was waking up from a dark fog, just realizing what had happened and I started asking, no yelling, begging for my baby. Again, I feel this dark fog coming back upon me.
I hear the nurse or was it a doctor, calling for help because there was blood everywhere, I pass out again. I come by once more, again calling for my child and I hear them asking for my husband.
That he might be able to calm me down.
He came. I don’t remember what he said first, but when I asked if our son was alright, he answered that he didn’t know. That he was still waiting for the nurse to come and get him when they wheeled out a baby in an incubator and that he knew that it was our son.
They rushed our son off to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit), he wasn’t breathing.
I faintly recall a conversation with one of many doctors during the weeks leading up to my son’s birth, about the survival rates and complications likely with a baby being born this early.
To prepare us they even showed us books on how babies looked like at each week. They even gave us a tour of the NICU. We were well prepared, but you never truly can be.
As I lay in a hospital bed in the recovery unit, praying for my son. I negotiated with God. Don’t we all do that in dire circumstances?
“God, if you do this for me, I PROMISE I won’t let you down, I will dedicate my life and his to You Lord”
I just wanted this baby to be OK.
They told us that he weighed 2140kg and that he was 47 cm long, he was big for a 31-week-old baby.
I had no idea what this meant. Would he survive then? Could he even breathe? Could I see him? Hold him?
That evening they brought us to the NICU to meet our little man. My Lord was he ever so gorgeous. He didn’t look like the pictures we had seen of preemies. Yes, his tiny, fragile body was poked and prodded with tubes, he could not breathe and was wearing a c-pap so we could not fully see his face.
But gosh, he was beautiful. His body had a rosy red color to it, plump and he still had fuzz all over. We couldn’t see his hair color yet, as he was wearing a bonnet to keep all the cords in place.
Life in the hospital
I stayed in the hospital for 8 days, and even though I was not supposed to walk around yet, I was walking up to the NICU a few times per day, staying for hours.
Starring at this wonderful child. But he was struggling. He still could not breathe on his own, could not eat of course and he had a condition that we didn’t know about until after he left the hospital. Baby apnea, making him suddenly for no reason stop breathing. Something common amongst preemies.
Even though he looked stable, the first 48 hours were crucial and it’s horrible, that feeling of not knowing what’s going to happen. His alarms went off, a lot. They had to nudge him and poke him, a lot.
I spent hours, days crying. I thought I’d run out of tears, but I didn’t. After my youngest son’s birth, we spent 65 days living in the hospital fighting for life.
I say WE because I (we) was with my son every step of the way as were our family and friends, caring for our other children at home, bringing diners, praying for us and for loving us even though I did not feel lovable at that point.
And today — as he’s on the verge of turning 6 years old when I am writing this.
Even today when I talk about how life started for my 6-year-old son, many times I cry. It’s real trauma that I didn’t recognize as post-traumatic stress. I discovered this recently after having started therapy this past year… The trauma didn’t end when our son left the hospital.
We still had spent many days in and out of the hospital due to his being a preemie. Hospitals almost felt like a second home for the first few years. I was terrified each time that I would lose him. Even if we were there for a simple check-up.
It must have been a week after he arrived home that my eldest son noticed that his baby brother wasn’t breathing in his cot.
We rushed him to the ER and he stayed again with an infection, but we also had to do a sleep test and we found out that he had baby apnea (meaning that he would just stop breathing) and we got to take home a monitor that our son needed to wear all of the time.
It gave a false sense of security and every time that it went off my heart raced and I would rub his little tummy asking him to breathe.
But today he is 6 years old and the last time we spent a night in the hospital has been 3 years ago.
When you see him now, you would never even think that he had such a hard time starting life. He was born big, and he still is a very tall boy, towering over other children his age.
He does very well in school even though he needed to redo this past year of kindergarten due to some delays in his developmental milestones.
But now he is eager to read and write, and his favorite things are the arts (crafting and performing) and building towers and houses for his action figures and stuffed animals. His lego building skills continue to impress me.
He loves playing with our two Dachshunds and cat and just loves all animals. It’s a love that he and his big sister share and he even recently got to sit on her horse for the first time.
When picking him up from school he runs into my arms and covers me with kisses, wherever we are he will cuddle up to me and give me kisses and I hope that he agrees with me that when he is older that you can still be cool and love your parents. 😁
Sometimes he sleeps in his bed, but he still mostly snuggles up to me in mine. Then I think of the first days of his life when we couldn’t snuggle. So, I will take all the snuggling that I can get.
He is kind, creative, loving and mischievous as all children are.
I look forward to this coming year, the year of six, and I can’t wait to see the things that he will learn to do.
And I am looking forward to watching him grow up and one day seeing the man that he will become. My heart is so full.
My son, my miracle. Our blessing. Happy 6th Birthday dear Baba.
BTW, I highly recommend this book, “Hold your prem” written by Jill Bergman that was given to me by a friend.
It helped me to prepare for the early birth and gave me tools on how to bond with my child despite the traumatic first moments of an early birth.
I always recommend it and gift it to parents who could benefit from it.
Traveling around Antwerp (and the rest of Belgium)
Taking the train in Antwerp (or the rest of Belgium) is not like taking the Rocky Mountaineer train back home in Canada where you can maybe be lucky to have a chance to see a wild bear or see the beautiful snowy mountaintops. But even if you probably won’t get to see a wild bear here in Belgium, it’s still one of my favorite ways to travel around as I can see the countryside or spot beautiful mansions coming into Antwerp-Berchem station. So diverse.
But there are of course other means of traveling if you don’t have a car during your stay here and so let me share with you what I have figured out about traveling around Belgium, especially Antwerp.
This is based on me living here for more than 20 years now! (wow)
If you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll do my best to follow up quickly. 👌
Trains: Being small has its advantages! All cities and villages are very easily accessible in Belgium. Normally you can commute very quickly from one city to another with the NMBS. Compared to other European countries, train tickets are also relatively cheap. For example, from Brussels to Antwerp you pay 15€ return.
A weekend ticket (Friday from 7 pm to Sunday evening) returns and is 50% cheaper than the standard price. A Go pass costs € 53 for young people under 26 and lets you choose from which station you go to for only € 5.30 per ride (10 per card), a Go Unlimited Week pass (-26y) costs € 15 / week or € 25 per month.
Buses and trams: You can count on De Lijn in the Flemish cities. A paper ticket for this means of transport costs € 3 (for one hour) or a pass for 7 €. You can also buy a ticket through the app: m-ticket for 1.80 € or via text message € 2.25. For more info and options click here for De Lijn website. In Wallonia, the transit company is called TEC. There you pay depending on where you going. buying a ticket on the bus is the most expensive option. You pay € 5 for a day pass. You can also buy tickets in most newspaper shops. For more info follow the TEC link here.
Other means of transport: Belgian cities are really not big. From most Belgian stations you can reach the center within a five-minute walk. Moreover, by walking you will often walk through much nicer streets that are too narrow for buses or cars.
I am not a bicycle specialist or a child development expert. I’m a mom and cyclist. Talk to your pediatrician about when biking with your baby is appropriateand take your time at finding the right (Longtail cargo) bicycle for you and your family.
A Longtail bike what? And should I make the switch?
When a friend of mine posted a picture of their new longtail bike on Facebook I was instantly fascinated by it. I had never heard of it and quickly giving it a google I found that this has already been a big thing in the States. Weird that in a country where people bike a lot I hadn’t seen one already, but after doing some research it’s obvious that it is becoming quite popular.
What did I find out?
FROM WHAT AGE CAN YOUR CHILDREN RIDE ALONG?
The age at which you can start carrying your child on a bike is a contested issue. Basically your child needs to have the neck strength to comfortably sit-up on their seat. Usually, this is a skill that they learn between six and twelve months. Please note this does not mean that a child can sit up for hours at a time. If you are planning a cycling holiday with longer trips, stop regularly. Parents who are eager to start cycling with children this young can find themselves in a quandary as to what is safe, legal, and practical!
PROS AND CONS
Depending on the model, a load capacity of +100 kg to +200 kg.
Possibility of comfortably transporting several children.
Possibility of mounting two bicycle seats at the rear.
Large bicycle bags so you can take a lot with you.
Light, narrow and maneuverable like an ordinary bicycle.
Your child (ren) is (are) close. That is a nice idea and also cozy.
Possibility to carry other bikes. This way, your child can cycle until he/she is tired and then take a seat at the back.
Many different options for accessorizing the bike.
Although limited, this bike requires just a little more storage space.
Your child (ren) are also subject to the weather elements.
The children sit behind you, which makes communicating a bit more difficult than in the case of a bicycle seat in the front or a cargo bike, for example. But I still find it hard to converse with my while he is in the front carrying cargo bike and the top is on.
Most models have a high step.
Equipping the bike as required requires extra investment.
Choosing the right Longtail.
CHOOSING THE RIGHT LONGTAIL
There are different types of longtail bikes. What should you pay attention to during your purchase?
What do you want to use the bike for? How much weight do you plan to carry? Depending on the model you can carry more (+200 kg) or less (+100 kg) weight. Attention extra weight also requires extra pedaling power. Try to be realistic about this. Carrying 200 kg without extra support is a challenge anyway.
A number of models use smaller wheels in the front and / or rear. This is to lower the center of gravity and thus create a more stable driving experience. A lower luggage rack also makes it more accessible for children to step on their own. A disadvantage is that your load space becomes proportionally smaller.
Are you a mileage eater or do you have another reason why you can use extra pedal assistance? In the case of a longtail cargo bike, the extra weight that you can carry provides an extra reason to consider electrical support. But just like with other bicycles, electric drive is accompanied by an extra financial investment.
Most longtail bikes are equipped as standard for transporting additional luggage. If you want to dress them up for the safe transport of children, then you are obliged to install additional accessories, which entails an additional cost. An advantage is that many different combinations are possible: Monkey Bars, two bicycle seats, one cushion, and one bicycle seat, an extra handlebar and footrests, and so on.
The different models available have a different range of gears. You need to be aware of the environment you will be biking in. If you cycle regularly through hilly terrain or over bridges, more gears can be useful. The more bicycle gears, the more cycling comfort.
Measure well in advance how much space you have available to park your bike. The length of the different models can vary considerably.
Be aware that the bicycle has a sound standard. The bicycle is intended to accumulate a reasonable amount of weight. For ease of use, it is therefore essential that the standard bears this weight when stationary.
Some models have a ‘one size fits all’ frame, others have different options. If it is intended that you and your partner both use the bicycle, this can help determine your choice.
THE LAST TIP …
Always try the longtail bike! A round at the bicycle repair shop in front of the door is really insufficient. A serious bicycle mechanic will always give you the opportunity to take a test drive. If you are going to test, take your children with you. So you know what it feels like when the bike is loaded. By testing different bikes, you notice the differences in weight, stability, ease of use, etc. Is the distance between the handlebars and saddle comfortable for you? Can your children get on it easily? Is the bike stable?
WHAT WILL I DO?
Well, I’m still busy with my driver’s license and that will take at least another 10 months. But even if I would have one, I would still ride a bike most of the time as I believe that it is better for the environment and I just enjoy this time together with my son.
Whether I would buy a Longtail, I have to say that I am inclined to. I have been riding a ‘normal’ bike with my son on the back (because of a flat tire on my cargo bike) for the past week and it does ride easier than a cargo bike, it’s just a bit too small at the back for my almost 6-year-old. Easier to handle. I have testdrived a Yuba already and would like to try out a few others and so who knows.
Bakfiets & cargo bikes-festival./ ANTWERP- This is only once a year (next one is on the 14th of March 2020) but it’s a great way to see what’s out there, hear testimonials and have some great truck food. 😀
I first became a mom at 15 and at 35, these were the differences.
I have been blessed with three beautiful children with three completely different personalities and with one big age gap between them…I had my two eldest children in my teens (15 going on 16 years old, and then at 18 years old), my third and last child came almost twenty years after my first. That’s why I like to use the relatively new hashtags #gapmom or #agegapmom.
It was never my intention to have an age gap but it was just the cards we were dealt. I grew up an only child, not yet knowing that I had a biological sister and brother out there. We also have a +- 10 year age gap. So I grew up a bit lonely and I decided that I wanted more than one child.
So then life happens and sometimes (well most of the time for us) life doesn’t go as planned. I became a single mother almost from the start and when I did meet and marry my (ex) husband ten years later, we could not conceive easily and needed help in the form of in-vitro. The whole IVF thing was for me a knightmare, the hormones, the shots, the touching and probing by doctors, the egg harvesting, the disappointing phone calls and then the miscarriage.
I had almost given up. So much so thTat we adopted a beautiful sweet doxie, Toby, from the pound, thinking that he will help me deal with the heartache and emptiness.
But as life would have it, we got the surprise that we were pregnant in May 2013. My children were 19 and 17 and that time so I knew there would be the inevitable age gap, nonetheless, we were so excited.
Well besides the obvious, becoming pregnant at 15 was unplanned. I have no regrets at all. I would not want to live in a world without my two eldest children, but parenting was hard. It was sometimes feeling like I had hit rock bottom hard and it’s only by God’s grace that I made my way up again each time. Funny thing is, I only became a born again Christian when I was 26-27. Ten years after having my two first children. It’s only then when looking abck, I could see God’s work and help in our lives.
I was young and immature. People felt like they needed to give me advice all-of-the-time. I also had no network then around me, something I really have this time around.
As a teen mother, the only expectancy that most people have of you is that of failure. Poor education, poor finances, and poor choices.
I tried to break free from that stereotype. But I have to be honest, that expectancy was true for the first few years of my motherhood. Thankfully I did manage to turn it all around on time. Or at least I tried.
So for me, the main diffence I feel is the people’s perceptions of me as a mother. When I was a teen, it was assumed that I was a bad mother. When I had my last baby at 35, I was treated as “normal”.
I have not really experienced any besides that it’s a pity that I hadn’t kept any of my eldest children’s baby clothing. I would have been the hippest mom around as retro clothing and wool is very “in”.
I’m sure if I think hard enough I could find some, but while writing this none come to mind, maybe when I will re-read my post in the future I will have some to add. But for now, I see it as the greatest blessing in my life, my children, age gap and all.
Babysitting: My eldest daughter told me at the start that she would not have it! We decided to have another baby, then we should not expect any help from her…Well, that was her stance at the beginning, and now she is my youngest child’s biggest fan. I don’t really need a babysitter, other than for visiting the doctor or for a school meeting, but I can always count on her. Even if she pouts for a bit. *insert smiley face*
Having parented for almost twenty years when I had my youngest, I knew what kind of parent I wanted to be. I’m sorry to my eldest children, but they helped me to see the good and bad things I did in parenting them. And so while pregnant with my last, I devoured all books on parenting and I had a very good idea of the things I wanted to do differently. A do-over let’s call it.
The 16-year-old me would never admit to it, but I truly see the difference the maturity that age brings with itself. I see things now that I could not see then. I also did not feel confident enough to step up for my beliefs. People giving me advice on breastfeeding that felt wrong. People telling me how I should discipline my child. People telling me how children should act. I dare think for myself now and I trust my motherly instinct more.
Taking it more slowly. I know how fast it all will pass. Sleepless nights will pass. Diapers will pass. Tantrums (should) pass. Yelling “Mommy, mommy, mommy, look at me” will pass. I can even enjoy those moments now, knowing that one day, my job will be done and that I have (hopefully) created a well-balanced adult.
Even though I have been a mom for two decades, it feels like I’m a brand new mom again because of the gap. Thank God for the better breastfeeding advice and thank God for the Facebook mom groups that have helped me as well. I wish I had them then.
The big age gap between my children has been very interesting and the truth is, parenting will always be challenging, no matter what age or what age gap. But it is a blessed, wonderful and beautiful adventure. It’s just such a blessing to experience it again, even if it took almost twenty years.
Becoming a mom at 15 and at 35 is my greatest blessing.