Dear (ex) Family
First of all my apologies for writing and posting this letter on my blog even though I doubt that you will even read it. I see some of you weekly/daily but none of you speak to me besides my brother-in-law who spoke to me once since. So because there has been almost no dialogue between us since my husband has confessed, I decided that I needed to write this down, so that I can hopefully let go. I think that this letter may also be a guiding light to others who are walking the same path as I am.
As an adoptee, I have always suffered from the feeling of abandonment and rejection. When we came into each others lives, I did not know my birthparents yet and I had been all alone with my two children here in Belgium for many years. When I met my husband, I met you all and I had hoped that I would finally feel like I belonged to a family.
My husband had not been very positive about some of you, he felt hurt by things past. But because I had no family, I knew how precious it was and so I encouraged him to renew the bonds. On Saturdays I would propose to visit his parents, I tried to let him see another side of his sister whom he had grown to not like and we would have weekly family dinners together. But somehow, I felt like I never was fully accepted.
I am not going to jolt down all the reasons for why I felt like this, it’s not my purpose to play the blame game. I just what state how I felt all these years. I felt, inferior. I felt out of place. I certainly did not feel loved.
I have laughed with you, I have cried with you.We were all very involved in each others lives.
But now, you act as if I do not exist.
The reaction that I would have preferred (but not expected) was at least that you would be as disgusted and as shocked at his behaviour and not question me as to why he did these things. Because there is NOTHING that can excuse what he has done.
And you then claim to love my son, your nephew, yet you treat his mother, the victim, with disdain. That is not love. That is heinous.
Maybe you were disgusted and shocked, but I don’t know this because none of you have let me know. None of you have checked in on me, or on my children. And my messages are left unanswered. If I ask something I only get an answer through someone else or I am cc’d in an email. I have to hear from third parties that you are mad at me?
There will be no acceptable reason for me as to why you choose to ignore me. None. The least you could have done is sent me a text asking if we were ok. If your nephew was ok. I was not expecting people to choose sides, but I have had more support and help from friends and strangers than from my own (husbands) family.
Just hoping that your children will never have to experience the pain that I have been through and be blamed for a crime that was done to them.
And in case you are wondering, we are doing well despite of the situation and this only due to the grace of God. We are well surrounded by friends who now are the ones who now laugh and cry with us. Because believe me, even when you see me smile, I am just wanting to cry.
I miss my nieces and nephew and love them very much. I still love my husband and have forgiven him but cannot be around him right now. I do not know what the future will bring, but I am trusting in the Lord to guide me and that all good things happens in God’s good timing.
I do want to thank you for never letting my children feel left out on birthdays and holidays even though they were not of your blood. Thank you for the good food and funny table talks and finally, thank you for helping my husband through this terrible season and I forgive you all for the pain you have caused me.
I was very hurt and bitter by you shutting me out of your lives but when I finish this letter to you, I’m letting go of that pain, anger, bitterness and resentment. Because that is what this letter is all about.