Damn him, DAMN HIM! I find myself yelling in my head.
That happens when I let my mind wander off to happier times. How I miss so much of what we had.
Or like today, when we went to the zoo with another family. This used to be one of our favourite family outings. We were having a nice time, but suddenly my son would curl up to me, brushing his face up against my shoulder, whispering “I miss our family”.
Even writing this post, those two words are repeating in my head, while tears are streaming down my cheeks.
Damn him for tearing all of our lives apart of us. All of us. We were not perfect, we had our issues, but I always though that we would be together forever. Even with those issues, there were many more good things that were going on for us as a family. Our son was so happy, so loved. We had a stable life and a loving family.
How wrong can somebody be? How can someone be totally oblivious to what is happening right under her/his eyes?
My husband seemed to have it all (or at least a relatively good life), yet he decided to do things, unthinkable things, despicable things, that have ultimately destroyed everything when brought to light.
The biggest victim?
The 5 year old child who only knew the adoration, love and protection of two parents not realizing that there was evil, constantly lurking, endangering him too.
He is too young to understand what his father has done. He only wants his family back. He does not understand why cannot be that family anymore.
And it breaks my heart.
I don’t like those words, I believe in forgiveness, even when things seem unforgivable, and call me crazy, but I do forgive him, but still…that pain and the loss.
That’s all my heart can say for now.