Dear (ex) family

Picture of ex-family

Dear (ex) Family

First of all my apologies for writing and posting this letter on my blog even though I doubt that you will even read it. I see some of you weekly/daily but none of you speak to me besides my brother-in-law who spoke to me once since. So because there has been almost no dialogue between us since my husband has confessed, I decided that I needed to write this down, so that I can hopefully let go. I think that this letter may also be a guiding light to others who are walking the same path as I am.

As an adoptee, I have always suffered from a feeling of abandonment and rejection. When we came into each other’s lives, I did not know my birth parents yet and I had been all alone with my two children here in Belgium for many years. When I met my husband, I met you all and I had hoped that I would finally feel like I belonged to a family.

My husband had not been very positive about some of you, he felt hurt by things past. But because I had no family, I knew how precious it was and so I encouraged him to renew the bonds. On Saturdays I would propose to visit his parents, I tried to let him see another side of his sister whom he had grown to not like and we would have weekly family dinners together. But somehow, I felt like I never was fully accepted.

I am not going to jolt down all the reasons for why I felt like this, it’s not my purpose to play the blame game. I just what state how I felt all these years. I felt, inferior. I felt out of place. I certainly did not feel loved.

I have laughed with you, I have cried with you. We were all very involved in each other’s lives. 

But now, you act as if I do not exist. 

The reaction that I would have preferred (but not expected) was at least that you would be as disgusted and as shocked at his behaviour and not question me as to why he did these things. Because there is NOTHING that can excuse what he has done.

And you then claim to love my son, your nephew, yet you treat his mother, the victim, with disdain. That is not loving. That is heinous.

Maybe you were disgusted and shocked, but I don’t know this because none of you have let me know. None of you have checked in on me, or on my children. And my messages are left unanswered. If I ask something I only get an answer through someone else or I am cc’d in an email. Do I have to hear from third parties that you are mad at me?

There will be no acceptable reason for me as to why you choose to ignore me. None. The least you could have done is sent me a text asking if we were ok. If your nephew was ok. I was not expecting people to choose sides, but I have had more support and help from friends and strangers than from my own (husbands) family.

Just hoping that your children will never have to experience the pain that I have been through and be blamed for a crime that was done to them.

And in case you are wondering, we are doing well despite the situation and this only due to the grace of God. We are well surrounded by friends who now are the ones who now laugh and cry with us. Because believe me, even when you see me smile, I am just wanting to cry.

I miss my nieces and nephew and love them very much. I still love my husband and have forgiven him but cannot be around him right now. I do not know what the future will bring, but I am trusting in the Lord to guide me and that all good things happen in God’s good timing.

I do want to thank you for never letting my children feel left out on birthdays and holidays even though they were not of your blood. Thank you for the good food and funny table talks and finally, thank you for helping my husband through this terrible season and I forgive you all for the pain you have caused me.

I was very hurt and bitter by you shutting me out of your lives but when I finish this letter to you, I’m letting go of that pain, anger, bitterness, and resentment. Because that is what this letter is all about.

Shalom.

The Gideons Bible

Gideons Bible

As a child, my father gave me a little Gideons bible. I used to treasure it. Bringing it with me to church each Sunday, even before that I could read. Then as a teen, I would start taking notes, circling verses, just like my dad would. But when I became a young adult, many things had happened, that made me question God so I decided to put the blame on Him for things that had happened to me and I decided to live a life far from Him.

Yet, I still had that Gideon’s bible, it was very weathered by then. I would still flip through its tiny little silken pages and would search in the front part for a topic that I was going through at that moment. Faith, forgiveness, endurance…hoping to find answers, but my heart wasn’t willing to understand then. Life, earthly life, partying, drinking, dating…all seemed more interesting and more satisfying. but it wasn’t, because then I would not have had the need to turn to that tiny little book the day after.

Then one day, with the bible on my lap, I surrendered to God, my heart finally understood. I am still going through hardships, but I go through them now without self-pity, but rather with hope and understanding that God is still by my side, no matter what.

It’s funny that over time that I forgot about my tiny Gideon Bible. I still have it, somewhere tucked away safe, because it is falling apart. But now I have a multitude of bibles even on a phone that I use daily.

But a while back my father gave me a stack of new ones that I have distributed over the years and I still had one left. One just like mine, with a dark brown leather cover (apparently they would distribute those in jails). Golden letters and the Canadian flag on the inside. It was sitting on the bookshelf, and my youngest son who is 5 has run past that bookshelf a thousand times, but today it had caught his eye. He picked it up, flipped through the pages and I told him about my little bible.

Just like I am sharing with you. He decided that this one will be his and will mark it with his name that he loves to write. He is about the age that I was then when my relationship with my bible started. I pray that that bible might bless him as it has blessed me and that He will search for life answers there, instead of somewhere else.

Do you remember your first Bible? I would love to hear about it.

Life by Mim

Grace…I need it.

It has been three weeks since my husband needed to leave our home. It’s been three weeks that I have been trying to figure out how to face the uncertain future.

Yesterday was hard, really hard. The first week after he had left, I spent most of my days crying and praying. Then the crying became less and being mad replaced it, then sad again, then mad. You can maybe imagine the feeling of the rollercoaster emotions going up and down. But yesterday was just darn right hard. I felt sadness, anger, hurt, afraid, irritated. Almost every negative feeling you van have.

I am usually a very calm and a patient mom. I don’t like to yell, I like to take the time to explain to my very active pre-schooler why he needs to this or why he cannot do that. I like to read books written by L.R. Knost and I am in Facebook groups labeled “crunchy christian moms”. I like to call my parenting style “Gentle Christian Parenting”, but yesterday…I was failing. I was missing grace. I yelled, I let my son watch way too much tv, I let him way too much junk and I spent most of the day on my computer. I was trying to avoid my thoughts. Wallowing in self pity.

My thoughts would take me to places where I did not want to be. It put guilt in my mind, even thought it should not be there in these circumstances. It put the belief that no one cared for me, even though I had an army of friends already helping me. It put the feeling of being unloved, what could not be true seeing that we have a God that loves us unconditionally.

All those thoughts went through my head yesterday, and then some. I very much felt like I was being attacked.

But before going to bed, I spent some time reading my devotionals. I am going through Psalms (I really like the First 5 app). And Boy, that is an up and down emotional rollercoaster there. Poor David. I feel like I can relate to how he is feeling sometimes (without being attacked by a mob and all). I was reading yesterday’s devotion on Psalms 61-62 I read:

“For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him” (Psalm 62:5)

It is so hard to trust in God, certainly when the pain seems too much to bare, but all I have is indeed hope. Continuously reading the bible, even when I don’t feel like it brings me hope, it brings me nearer to the one who truly loves me and I need to remember that more. So instead of trying to hide from everything, I need to go to Him, and that is I will try to do today.

Lord, please give me grace today. Bring peace to my heart. I need you so. Amen.

What I believe in

What I believe in

Apostles’ Creed:

I believe in God, the Father Almighty,

the Creator of heaven and earth,

and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord;

Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,

born of the Virgin Mary,

suffered under Pontius Pilate,

was crucified, died, and was buried.

He descended to the dead.

The third day he arose again from the dead.

He ascended into heaven

and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty,

whence he shall come to judge the living and the dead.

I believe in the Holy Spirit,

the holy universal Church,

the communion of saints,

the forgiveness of sins,

the resurrection of the body,

and the life everlasting.

Amen.